Monday, August 02, 2021

It’s All in Your Mind


My first wife suffered from borderline personality disorder. The smallest things could set her off. She could be exceedingly sweet and then violent the next moment. Her streaks of violence reached a stage where she’d push me into a state where I’d be holding my clenched fist above her and she’d be egging me on to be a “real man” and put my first into her face. There was obviously a God out there who was looking out for me because at that moment I’d restrain myself. It goes without saying that the strain of dealing with her issues was such that I felt more joy on the day we were officially divorced than our actual marriage day.

I bring up this period of my life because the issue of mental health has become a major focus in Singapore and around the world. We’ve had two prominent athletes, namely Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles withdraw from major sporting events for the sake of their mental health. In “Anti-Violence” Singapore, we’ve had a case of a 16-year-old murdering 13-year-old for the sake of it. Thanks to Covid-19 and its effects of upending everything we considered normal, stress and mental wellbeing have become hot button issues for the simple reason that just about everyone has experienced some sort of mental issues.

 


 

Copyright Elle – Two Young Ladies Who Understood and Glory and Money were Not Worth the Mental Anguish.

In a strange way, the sudden focus on mental wellbeing is a step in the right direction. People with “mental issues” were once stigmatized. I remember during basic military training (around 1994-1995), my commanding officer (CO) would advise us not to attempt suicide because we would not want the shame of knowing that there was a “mental illness” gene in the family. Back in those days, we were imbued with a perverse sense of pride of being able to withstand stress, which meant being yelled at without giving into the urge to punch the guy yelling at you.

For my ex, there was the issue of her parents, who were supportive of her initially when she first told them that she had been diagnosed with clinical depression. They asked her to stay at home and told her not to worry about the need to work. However, when the psychiatrist bills started pilling up, their views changed a little. Father-in-law’s take on it was all in her mind and she needed to learn how to sing a few karaoke songs. His exact words were “It’s all in the mind.”

To be fair to my former father-in-law, he is correct. Mental health is about the mind. However, the main issue here is that the human mind is exceedingly powerful and plays and important role in our overall well-being. Whilst I do not have the medical qualification to make the diagnosis, I don’t believe I’d be far off the mark to make the statement that the reality we actually live, starts in the mind – hence every “success coach” starts by telling one to change our mindset. Mental well-being does affect our physical well-being – just think of the number of cardiac patients who worked “high-stress” jobs.

I’m not saying that stress is necessarily bad. Some of us do need the stress of needing to put food on the table to get moving. However, we need to ask if the current rat race and the need to be number one or champion red-dot is worth it.

I remember taking pride in the fact that I could work long hours in the office. It was like, I could brag about having “resilience” and the mental fortitude to go places “someday.” When I interned at Citibank, there was a thrill about being part of a “brand name” and it was cool to work like mad. This kind of worked in my first job. Although the agency in question was small, we had “sexy” clients like Absolut. I worked my guts out and was praised for it and it felt like I was going places.

However, I burned out in a matter of months and as I got older, I realized that “places” and “someday” were increasingly elusive. As often mentioned, in my last corporate job, I found myself leaving at seven – the am variety, on a major case. A sign that I was going places? Well, after a point, it was clear that I wasn’t going to anywhere I really wanted to be.

It’s easier to talk about walking away than actually doing it. I had to be forced out of that situation by my siblings and I ended up better for it. Still broke most of the time but I’m without the stress of having to prove all sorts of weird things to people. That is something money cannot buy. Material comforts are nice but we need to ask ourselves if those comforts are worth having crap dumped into our minds on a daily basis.    

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Maira Gall