Recognizing Your Own Kind

 

I’ve never been much of a salesperson. My main issue is the fact that I grew up in a family that took pride in being “professional middle-class” and the “sales” was regarded as something that was a little less than classy. I was told that I was the “academic” one in the family that was my destiny to do things that required great thought rather than “sales.” My Dad’s biggest panic moments in my professional development was the time I told I was going to sell ads for the Old Rogue. In his words, “Space salesmen were the type of people ran away from.”

My aversion to selling meant that while I was good at telling stories, I never quite had that instinct to “close” deals. It even went into my personal life, where I often quip that I was always a nice guy whom lots of women wanted as a friend or future husband but few were drying to jump into bed with me. Couldn’t close the deal so to speak.

The aversion to “selling,” kind of ended when I started working. I was the guy who couldn’t hold a steady job in an PR agency, which was where everyone said my talents were. So, since I couldn’t hold a job, I had to look for my own jobs and somehow, with no brand name to speak of and no “agency” experience, I had to convince people to hire me. It wasn’t just a case of doing the job (which is what most employees do), I actually had to get the job and ensure that I got paid.

So, I had to avoid the aversion to sales and actually sell myself well enough. I’m still not a great salesman but the experience of having to hustle for around a decade of my working life made me appreciate certain things that I probably would not have had, had I had the conventional more academic career that everything thought I would have.

I appreciate hustlers. I will even go so far as to say that my sympathies are with people on the streets rather than with people in offices. I think of it as the difference between being a wife and a prostitute. The wife has one man who is in theory obliged to look after her. It’s a more “respectable” and more “secure” path. Some of the most well to do that I know have been good and “loyal” wives to their employers.

Being a prostitute is a different story. It’s in a way, the rougher life because you understand that you our only looked after if the client is pleased and you are only valued as long as you are useful. As such, your mindset changes because the guy is feeding you today may stop feeding you on a whim during the next. You have to learn to be self-reliant and always have something on the side because you could be thrown out on the street the next day. In this situation you have to consistently manage relationships well because today’s enemy could be the person feeding you tomorrow.

Constant selling is essential if you want to live the life of a prostitute. You need to be sharper than the wives about who you trust and who you don’t. Its easy to get f***** without getting paid, so you got to know what you are doing when you live off the streets. These days, when I go into meetings, I do things like observe non-verbal ques and I try to identify decision makers because I came from the “prostitute” path where doing such things was an essential part of life.

Now, one of the most essential parts of being a prostitute if that you got to have the ability to recognize your own kind. The reason for this is simple, if you’re both selling the same products, you’re not going to be able to sell to each other and you may end up becoming very bitter competitors for the same target.

This was a lesson that I was trying to get though to my newest trainee. Told him to take advantage of his good looks and youth. He then proceeded to tell me that I was also good looking in a different way (him being pretty and me being rugged) too. Had to tell him that what worked for his previous boss (a good wife to all her employers) wasn’t going to work with me. I’ve had to hustle and I recognize the signs of someone trying to hustle me.

However, I know where he’s coming from and I’ve told him that we can work around things. I see where he’s coming from and I probably would have tried the same in his position.

I think of the time the Old Rogue met Pam (an older black woman I was seeing). They “fell in love.” She waxed lyrical about how he was sweet old timer. He declared that she shouldn’t teach art – she was a “work of art.” Yet, they never worked together. Proposed that Pam work for him selling ads for his magazine. His instant reaction was “I don’t think Indian and Chinese school owners would take too kindly to a black woman visiting them.”

How did two people who professed love for each other not work together? The answer was simple. They recognized they were the same kind and knew that they’d react in certain situations and so they avoided any possibility of getting into awful situations.

If there’s anything that I hope this young man gains from working with us, it is the ability to recognize people who share his outlook and approach to life. It will, I believe save him a lot of grief in later life.   

The Letter and the Spirit

 The young man whom we took on about a month back got himself taken to a meeting where the topic of discussion was over an investigation into what was a scam. When I asked him how he felt about attending a “serious” meeting, he remarked that he was finally learning how the world really worked. He said “I now get what you mean when you say that what looks nice on the outside actually isn’t.”

I’m glad he picked that up. I guess I am used to it or perhaps I just grew up cynical but too many of us in modern societies get a little a bit too obsessed with things that look good on the outside but aren’t really. Doing litigation PR was a good eye opener into how respectable wasn’t actually that. Being in corporate insolvency confirmed things. It gets even more so when you live in “status” obsessed Asia, where grandparents fight over who has to be most “respectable” grand kid, which often means which kid works in the most “prestigious job.”

We get so carried away by the veneer of respectability that we forget what it actually looks like. Singapore is especially prone to this disease. We’ve been trained to look upon to anyone in a profession and make the assumption that anyone who qualifies for the professional license has a certain level of moral integrity that mere mortals are not capable of.

However, as Don Corleone in the Godfather series states “A lawyer with a brief case steal’s more than a gangster with a gun.” A gangster with a gun can only grab so much cash when he (usually are) is robbing a bank. In the process of committing a robbery, the gangster faces risks of having the full wrath of the law coming down upon him.

The lawyer by contrast can steal with no risk. Take the basic way in which lawyers make money – time costs. In Singapore, the cheap lawyers start around S$500 an hour. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that anyone who is paid like this, has no incentive to actually solve problems in an efficient way. If anything, the lawyer is incentivized to, well, ensure that the molehill you had is bigger than Everest.

Yet, this method of payment is called “professional” and “respectable.” The time that lawyers and other professionals “sell” is supposed to be valuable, though how exactly it solves the original problem in the first place is questionable. Making professionals accountable by allowing for and encouraging “results” payments get frowned upon and as around 2021, charging on a results basis or contingency fees is generally not allowed in Singapore’s professional service industry.

One of the most ridiculous examples of “respectable” thievery came in a judicial management situation where the judge had no issue with the lawyer and liquidator charging on a “time-cost” basis but found the auctioneer’s costs prohibitively expensive because the auctioneer had the audacity to charge for results (a percentage of what he sold). Of the three, the auctioneer was the only one who could actually demonstrate the value of his services in actual dollars and cents but apparently that was not considered “professional” or respectable.”

Then, there is the example of “Shell Companies,” which are set up for various purposes. In many cases, such companies are set up with the purpose of minimizing taxes, which is not moral and or even illegal in itself.

However, Shell Companies have become what you could call the difference between what is legal (the letter of the book) and justice (the spirit of the book). There is nothing intrinsically wrong with setting up a shell company. In fact, it is perfectly legal to do so.

However, the question then becomes, the purpose of the said company. I remember being hired to handle the potential media fall out of the Zim Integrated Shipping trial in 2010. This was a case of following the money – except the money was flowing through one end and coming out at another through a web of shell companies. My client, who was the lawyer representing Zim had to concede that he lost to a “master swordsman.” Yes, things looked dodgy but they weren’t illegal.

 

 Years later, I would find myself on the side of someone who enjoyed setting up companies across the Caribbean. He wouldn’t own his own life insurance policy under his own name. Had to be done under a shell company. Again, there was nothing illegal about what the guy was going. There was a paper trail to account for things.

When people talk about being “by the book,” they’re talking about adherence to the letter of the laws. The argument is about being “prim and proper.” However, after nearly a decade of being in corporate insolvency, one gets to see how the letters of the law get abused. As such, we need to look at the “spirit” of the law and whether a person adheres to the spirit. What is legal may not necessarily be just and we need to understand that bad people get off because they haven’t broken the letters. What we need to ask is if these people have infringed on the spirit if we are to judge them accurately for they are.  

The Value of Dreams

 I’ve just told a young man whom I’ve been working with to pursue his dream of becoming a pilot. On the whole, he’s been a decent enough worker who has done what’s been asked of him. However, the only time he seems to come alive is when he talks about being a pilot. He’s learnt the various call signs and radio signals involved in the process. Yet, somehow, he’s never made it close to flying school.

So, when I look at him, I get frightened for him. He’s going to be a good boy who does as he’s told and take the safe route, which in the Singapore context means getting a good degree and working in a safe and predictable office job, which in itself is not wrong, but when I look at him and he admits to me that dealing with files is simply not his thing. While some parts of the investigation work in forensic accounting excites him, its clear that he doesn’t have it in him to be a lawyer or a financier.

I’ve told him that getting a decent degree is nonnegotiable in the modern world. He cannot neglect his studies. I’ve also told him to keep with the job that he has with us, as he builds his finances, as flight school is not cheap. However, he needs to give his heart and soul into trying to get into an airline that will give him the chance that he needs to prove himself. Have also stressed to him that SIA isn’t the only airline on the planet and he should knock on every door available to him until he gets behind a cockpit.

 

He's trusted me and called me a “father-figure,” which is something that I cannot in all good conscience take lightly. I guess I am officially a “terrible-parent-figure” by telling him to chase his dreams. However, what’s the alternative? To push him into something that he has no heart to do? Sure, there’s a good chance that he may not achieve his dream – but he needs to give it his best shot. Think of it, way too many of us end up becoming old and bitter people because of all the things we loved and dreamed about but never gave it a shot because it was the risky option.

Seriously, at the end of the day, what’s going to matter. In the end, Steve Jobs said it best – “There’s no point being the richest man in the cemetery.” Since, all of us are going to end up in the same place, we should make the journey the best possible one. So, as an older person, I believe I need to encourage young kids to follow their dreams. Sure, an element of practicality needs to be involved. After all, we all need to earn a living. However, there’s no point in being a slave to your living if it kills you to do it. Best to pursue the dream and even if you don’t “make it,” there are ways of modifying that dream. Heck, I grew up in the advertising industry, which is staffed by people who would have loved to be in creative arts (movies) but found alternative ways of making a living doing what they loved. Thanks, to AI, the presence of machines in the work place is only going to grow. There is no way you can be more of a machine than the machines, so all of us need to play to our strengths and bring the passion to our jobs in the way that only being human can.

Where Did the Local Heroes Go?

 

Around two months ago, I got invited to a Stand-Up Comedy show hosted by the Association of Comic Artist (Singapore). The acts were great fun and it was an eye opener into a side of Singapore that few get to see.

At the end of this event, the President of the Association, who is a British chap of Barbadian decent, and calls himself, “Singapore’s First Black President,” proceeded to distribute comic books that he and his team had come up with. These were locally made comics, created around Singaporean heroes. I have to admit that I’ve yet to go through the comics and thus cannot comment of what the comics are like. However, whilst I have not read the comics, I appreciate the irony of the situation. Here we have a group of comic heroes designed around Singapore and Singapore’s culture that were designed by someone born outside of Singapore.

 

 

 So, here’s the question – what has happened to Singapore’s heroes? Not only do we not produce heroes in real life, we can’t even produce them in fiction. In real life, we’re told that Singapore needs people from elsewhere to do things for us. You need economic growth; the solution is simple – invite the world’s richest to buy overpriced housing in Singapore. If you want innovation, invite a world-famous scientist to set up a lab here. The solution to just about every problem in Singapore is based on getting someone from somewhere else to come up with a solution. What is true in the “real” world is also true in the world of fiction. We know all the heroes of the DC and Marvel Universe like Superman and Spiderman but, until I met the chaps at the Association of Comic Artist (Singapore), there was no evidence of a local Singapore comic hero.

Seriously, just walk into any given bookshop and you’ll find that the only hero that is allowed to exist in Singapore is Lee Kuan Yew. To his credit, the late Mr. Lee was a very special man who, like him or loath him, led a team that made Singapore a text book case study of how to build up a nation with not very much. However, it’s been 23-years since he stepped down as Prime Minister and eight-years since he died and the he remains the only Singaporean that we’re allowed to hero worship and turn into a cartoon.

While Singapore does measure up pretty well against most places, we desperately need heroes. Our fabulously famous government is showing signs of getting creaky. I mean, we actually have a minister who is being investigated for corruption. The people whom we were trained to look up to, are looking, well rather less shiny.

So, its time for a Singapore to get a new set of heroes, even if they are the comic book variety. Heroes in fiction have a way of inspiring heroes in real life. We need to make that mental leap into trying to be our own heroes rather than waiting for heroes from elsewhere to solve our problems for us. This is not to say we are closed to the outside world. It just means that we face the outside world like adults who can manage on our own without a crutch mentality that states that only people from elsewhere and politicians are the solutions to everything.

 

Let it Go

 

Managed to get a young man who I’ve been trying to guide along his path replace me in a meeting. I’ve been overcome with this strange emotion of satisfaction that after the second week on the job, he’s actually being allowed to do things without me and more importantly, he’s going to develop the confidence to it.

As I reflect on the emotions of this moment, I realise that a lot of significant moments in life come at a point of letting go of certain relationships so that they can develop. As parents, we need to let our kids go and become the adults that they were meant to be. As mentors, we need to let our mentees go and be their own people.

If I look at my own experiences, one of the most significant moments in my life was from a conversation I had with my Dad, when I told him I volunteered for a live-firing exercise in the aftermath of exercise Swift Lion (here’s the MINDEF Press Release of that awful day - https://www.nas.gov.sg/archivesonline/data/pdfdoc/MINDEF_19970628001.pdf ). I told him that I was going and he said that he wasn’t happy about it (at the time, the possibility of coming home in a body bag remained very present). Then, he said “Talk about it with your mum. If you still want to go, I will support your decision no matter what happens.”

This was the moment that I’ve felt closest to my dad as in he really showed me one of the most important aspects of being a parent – letting go. Dad has done many things for me. I’ve lived well and been educated at his expense. However, all the money he had spent on my schooling and was about to spend and all the luxuries I had enjoyed because of him didn’t mean as much to me as the fact that he was prepared to respect a decision of mine even if he was unhappy with it.

Other significant moment came from letting go. In my professional life, the first instance came when my business partner at the time didn’t want to do the Polaris (now known as Intellect Design). He felt that there were too many risks involved because the deadlines were close. I chose to hang on and somehow despite everything I was telling the client about the very real chances of failure, the job proved to be a success and Polaris had a way of keeping me alive for a few years. Not only did I get work from them, but I made good friends and that opened the door to other parts of the Indian Expat community and to two of the three career highlights (the IIT and IIM Alumni events in 2012 and 2013).

The other great career highlight came in 2006, when I was a freelancer pitching for the Saudi Embassy job with BANG PR, which was helmed by PN Balji, who had been for the better part of the time, the father of my profession of being a commentary writer and a PR consultant. It reached a stage, where Balji dropped out of the job and I became the only contractor. This was my opportunity to shine and by some fluke, me, with no real “experience” to speak of, managed a job traditionally reserved for government-to-government agencies.

These experiences have made me understand that quite often, the people who limit us are not the people who dislike or even hate us. It’s the people who love us that harm us by not letting us grow.

Think of parents who expect their grown children to report every detail of their life to them and still expect to have a say in what their adult children do. It also goes on in the professional world, where you have bosses who remind their employees that “If you didn’t work for me, you won’t survive.”

This type of thinking is suffocating. It doesn’t allow for growth. A good parent will always want his or her kids to be able to survive without him or her. A good boss will ensure that the employees can survive without being employed by his or her organization. As Richard Branson argues, when you train your people so that they can leave, they won’t.

Too many of us continue to struggle for relevance without realizing that we only become relevant to people when we allow them to be irrelevant in their lives.

Daddy Management

 

One of the most prominent moments of the last week was getting in a screaming row over the phone with the godmother of a young man that we had just hired. She got the message that we were overworking him when she had told him to focus on his studies. The upshot of this argument was that we started behaving like divorced parents arguing over a kid. I called her an overbearing mother and she accused me of being an overbearing father. Then, temperatures cooled and we tried to reconcile, she asked me not to use words like Mummy and Daddy in relation to work colleagues because she felt the parental adjectives were “creepy.”

While I’ve agreed with her not to use such adjectives in order to stay in a good place with her, I actually have a different perspective. She’s never been a parent but I have (and still am). I’ve realized that the experience of being a parent to a young adult is good grounding when it comes to the area of managing young adults (anyone over 21) in the work place. Kiddo, was probably one of the best teachers I could ever have.

The first point that needs to be made is that being a parent is an emotionally challenging job. It’s a case of taking on obligation to care for another human being and as my mother said when I told her that I got Gina pregnant – “It’s a lifelong job – you don’t stop being a parent because a kid reaches a certain age.” So, when you take on a parental role, the role will involve taking on all sorts of obligations and how well or poorly you did depend on what that someone else has become.

However, while the job comes with obligations, there is a small catch. The person that you take responsibility for won’t listen to you, thinks you’re a dinosaur and suspects that the best thing they can possibly do for themselves is to do the opposite of whatever you tell them to do.

This combination makes the job frustrating. It’s a job requirement to except that you will inevitably be disappointed but at the same time you will have to respect their decision because its their life and their decision to make.

The room for maneuver when guiding young adults is narrow. There are really only two things you can do. Firstly, you got understand that you are dealing with a grown man or a grown woman and not a small kid. Grown men and women expect a certain amount of respect as intelligent beings. The days when you could say that “I am your father/mother and I know best” will not wash.

So, it helps when you sit down with them and explain the rationale of your instructions to them. It’s up to you as an older and wiser person to respect that the person you are talking to is an adult. If that said young adult ask you about the question about the rationale behind your instructions, explain it to them. Respect their ability to figure things out and they will inevitably respect that you may now a thing or two more than them.

The second and more vital point about being a parent of a young adult that is especially applicable in the work place is the fact that young adults can be fairly observant and the old fashioned “I’m the boss” goes down as well as “I’m your parent.” Sure, they can accept that certain things might be different for the boss, but ultimately what they look to is you as an example. You need to be aware that they’re watching you and wondering if they want to be you when they get to your stage in life. So, the challenge for anyone managing young adults is this – what you say to them, is in many ways, not as important as what you show them. This requires stepping up your game. I mean, I never held a steady job for long. Then Kiddo came into my life and suddenly I became aware that what I did was probably going to shape her views on men. As such, I had to work, not so much because I needed to go towards household expenses but because in my mind, I wanted her to see a man go out and work and to be able to pay bills. I am glad to say that the two serious relationships that I’ve seen her in were with two guys who went to work and did what decent men do when it comes to taking care of the family

Parenthood is a tough and demanding job. You could say that your management style needs to change on the job to suite the needs and the times. What you do as a parent is actually good training for you as a supervisor and as a person.

Delicious Directions

 I started blogging in 2006. You could say that this was the most successful year that I’ve ever had, both from a personal and professional point of view. The highlight of that year being hired by the Saudi Embassy to assist for the visit of the late Crown Prince Sultan to Singapore and of course, this was the year I met Kiddo who was then seven, and I suddenly discovered what it was like to live for something greater than myself.

Blogging was an in-between gig. I was writing and getting published by the Today Newspaper and the Straits Times Forum. However, there were times when what I wrote didn’t get published and so I needed a place where I could place the unpublished. So, this was the rationale behind blogging.

However, as things developed, I found that people were actually visiting my little corner of cyberspace and clients would actually tell me that they enjoyed reading what I had written. The coin did drop that I might have something on my hands. So, I continued to rant and rave about this and that. Reached a stage where I had the audacity to imagine that I could earn something from it and so, I added a Google Adsense account and continued raving away in the hope that I might eventually ditch the day job.

Continued blogging to an extent where I got warned by my own father about annoying the government. I was clearly not a good listener and continued until fourteen-years after I started, I ended up agreeing to let both TREmeritus and Independent Singapore pick up my pieces.  Traffic grew and I guess last year was a significant enough year when I actually had someone complain to IMDA about me. Traffic grew and I believe June 2023 proved to be a freakishly good month in terms of the traffic growth:

 

 So, having reached a stage where I was getting lucky consistently with getting eye balls onto my section of cyberspace (notice I only talked about traffic – not money), I guess the question was what else was there for me other than to continue ranting and raving in cyberspace.

What does one do when all you have to show for is your ranting? I guess the answer is to continue ranting in cyberspace but in a more focused manner. The “Beautifully Incoherent,” brand was just that. I just ranted and raved on anything under the sun – on topics that irked me enough to write. So, the question was then moved to what I could I possibly rant and rave about in a focused manner.

The question inevitably led to food. At the age of 38, I took up part-time job in the restaurant to supplement my income from freelance consultancy. It turned out I was actually pretty good at serving and selling food and drink. Didn’t seem to be able to anything else but I managed to move good food. The reason was that I tasted everything that came in and out of the kitchen and knew what I wanted to share with the world.

To confirm that the Bistrot was not a fluke, I managed to do the same in Vietnamese restaurant, which would later reinvent itself into a Korean restaurant. Restaurants provided me with an insight how the world ticked.

My second piece of good fortune was to meet an extraordinary person called Genia. We met at my day-job anniversary function. Didn’t really speak to her much but many months latter she asked me out for a drink. There we were in a bar and then she pulled her phone and showed me a treasure of food places. Then it occurred to me that we shared was a love of a meal and if we could combine my ability to rant and familiarity with the ins and outs of a restaurant with her connections into the world of foodies, we could actually come up with something pretty interesting.

So, the two of us have come together to start a blog which tell the story of the Yummy stuff in the world. Since both of us are born in the Chinese Year of the Tiger, the name of the Blog is called Chubby Tigers Yummy Finders. We want to be the place where you meet all elements of Yummy. We want to talk to the personalities, visit the places and of course, bring you the dishes that make the experience a Yummy one.

 

 

 Chubby Tigers Finding Yummy (Tang Li at 123 Zo and Genia Wee at Bruno’s Bistrot)

The of the blog is https://chubbytigersyummyfinders.blogspot.com/. As of now, its an empty space but like all good works, it will be layered and enrichened as we talk about the Yummy places in Singapore and beyond. We’ve already set up accounts on Facebook and Instagram, and we would welcome you to be friends and followers on the respective platforms. We want to work with restaurants and food outlets to help your business grow by sharing the Yummy that you produce.

In my personal capacity, I will continue to rant and rave over here on the socio-political issues that have been my passion for so many years. However, I would really appreciate if you could also support me and Genia on the Chubby Tigers platform. Both Genia and I are open to working with people who have a passion for the Yummy and if you want to sit down and discuss Yummy places, please email us at chubbytigersyummyfinders@gmail.com. We look forward to seeing you on our Chubby Tigers platform soon.

The Force that Makes Us

 

Today the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) celebrated “SAF Day,” a day in which the men and women of in the Armed Forces dedicated their loyalty to the nation. Back in the days of service, SAF Day was probably the biggest point of division between the official and the real. As a member of the SAF, it was an exceedingly important part of our calendar. There was always a parade (attended by the President) and lots of promotions. It was the time when “best units” were announced and that got senior management very excited. However, we on the ground level didn’t really care much for SAF Day for a simple reason – there was no public holiday attached to it.

Having said what I’ve just said about SAF Day, I’ve actually become fervent believer in the SAF or at least the institution of National Service. I’ll never tire of saying it, the most “educational” part of my life was in the two and half years of national service. Sure, I have a degree from a respectable college but to me, what is important is not the paper but the process of getting that paper and the truth is, university was a wonderful party but exposed me to very little beyond academia.

The army, by contrast, opened up a world that I never realized existed. Suddenly I had to get on with people who thought I lived in a bubble for the simple reason that my official address at the time did not start with “Blk….” I was effectively an outcast but at the same time I found the guys who would become my brothers from different mothers. The army was, I believe the first time in my life that I actually achieved things that were not bought for me or things that I was guided into. My father will probably vomit if he read this but the first time, I got my chin up the bar felt more like an achievement than getting my degree.

In a world where kids are increasingly sheltered from the world outside their own bubble, National Service has become even more valuable. The computer game generation needs to understand that life, especially in war, is brutal and nasty. People often forget that you actually have to be uncomfortable in order to change and adapt. Its one thing to be able to fly up a low wall on a computer graphic. It’s another story when you’re carrying your webbing and just dashed 700 metres before you physically scale the wall. That experience humbles you because you realise that the task is real and it requires something within you in order to get done.

Its very clear that the SAF has a mission to be able to defend Singapore from any external threat. It’s something which has never been tested. However, that doesn’t mean the SAF is redundant. If anything, modern life has made the SAF more relevant in its role of making the youth of Singapore discover the realities of life, of living life beyond that bubble that we’ve been led to believe is a natural state. For all that I might have complained about being in the SAF, I’m grateful to the institution and the people there who made me.

I Still Can ……..Is Age Just A Number?

 

The Big News in the world of celebrity gossip is the fact that the American Actor, Al Pacino is set to become a father at 82. Age has definitely not slowed Mr. Pacino and the news of Mr. Pacino’s virility can be found at:

https://people.com/al-pacino-girlfriend-noor-alfallah-is-pregnant-7505948

 

 While there were a few people tut-tutting Mr. Pacino for becoming a father at an age where most start treating every day a bonus, most of the men in the world were probably thankful that Mr. Pacino was virile at 82. Call a sign of hope that you still can at that age. Men have it lucky in that few people bat an eyelid when a much older man is seen with a much younger woman. If anything, the man gets patted on the back for getting a sweet young thing and the woman will be congratulated for getting an established man.

Its slightly different the other way round. A woman who ends up with younger guy is regarded as predatory. Look at it this way, whatever one says of Donald Trump, most of us secretly respect him for getting Melania by his side. The same cannot be said for Emanuel Macron who married his French teacher and inherited kids who were the same age as him.

Still, the fact remains, virility and being established attract each other. In the old days, it was understood that the man would be the established one and any respectable established man would have the most fertile looking woman around. However, as we enter an age where women with established careers are being normalized, we also need to accept that these women would be attracted to younger virile men.

So, I guess you could say that age is just a number and if both parties care about each other, then who is to complain? Love and sexual attraction work in mysterious ways. I take my own experiences as an example.

At the age of 19, I ended up in a relationship with a woman who was 12-years older and black. This was what you’d call the ultimate thrill for a guy who had just left a nearly all boy school in a world where Asian men don’t get attention for being “sexually powerful” unlike their Caucasian and Black counterparts. We did meet again much later on when I was 30 and she was 42. The attraction was still there but she wasn’t the goddess of my youth and I suspect that part of it was the fact that I was older and the things that mattered at 19, were less important at 30. If anything, I’d curious to know how we’d get on, now that I am 48 and she’s 60.

One of the key points of this relationship was that it made my dad uncomfortable and the truth is, I was so infatuated with being in a relationship with a woman who gave me “street-cred,” that I could never appreciate his discomfort over my relationship.

Then Kiddo happened to me. Ended up with a Vietnamese girl who came along with a 7-year-old. I had a bad first marriage and I vowed that I would never see marriage or kids, ever. Then, this 7-year-old came along and gave me the two happiest months of my life, where I understood what it was like to live for something other than myself. Immigration saw to it that the relationship would not last. Ended up in two relationships with single mothers. Ended up liking the kids far more than the mothers, though admittedly the mothers somehow managed to reenter my life minus their kids.

When Huong asked me to marry her, the main focus was, now I had the chance to bring Kiddo to Singapore, where she could grow her life in a safe environment. So, life only really began when a now 12-year-old showed up and seemed to confirm that I had done something right.

In the experience of having kiddo return to my life, my view on sexual attraction changed I noticed it in two incidences. One was when a 54-year-old former boyfriend of one of my nieces kept asking Kiddo for her phone number. She was 14 at the time and I was visibly upset. She tried to pacify me by saying the he had known her when he visited Vietnam and I had to say, “That’s not the point, he’s 54 and you’re 14.”

The second incident involved meeting one of her school friends who was busty and slender. I actually had to remind myself that this was my daughter’s friend and therefore wrong.

I am as red blooded as the next heterosexual man. I remain a sucker for the usual parts of the female body. At 48 I appreciate the female body as much as I did at 18. The change is that a woman 25-years younger than me is old enough to be my kid and the instinct is to stop the predator and not to be the predator.

It was Kiddo who reentered my life so, I think as a dad to a girl. Would I think differently if the kid in my life was either Zach or Yooga. A part of me might actually feel proud of them if they got seduced by someone like a school teacher (assuming the school teacher is a lady). I mean, as someone said, “sticking it in always sounds better than having something stuck into you.” Yet, one has to ask – why would I be cool with that but not if it had been an older man with a young girl. I like to think that if it happened to the boys in my life, I’d go after the predator too.

Age is a number. Experience and Virility are like two opposite poles on a magnate and if you’re talking about two consenting adults, what’s the issue. However, when you become a parent, you see things differently. Its images of your kid that make you worry that there’s power imbalance in the relationship and you worry that it could be your kid that’s getting screwed over. Age is a number is a logical thought – being a parent is inevitably instinctive.