‘Working mums’ and the do-it-all delusion

By Ms. Neela McGilton

Director - International (Strategic Partnership)

Deakin University 

“Working mothers, how do you do it? Not only do you hold down a job, you cook, clean, garden, nurse, chauffeur, tutor and launder – all while looking amazing.”

This gushing portrayal of modern motherhood is as common as it is crazy.

Celebrities are getting in on the act, with social media posts that combine to give the impression that working, doing the school run, cooking nutritious meals, being a “mindful” parent while still looking picture perfect is a piece of (gluten-free) cake.

So how does the modern mum do it all?

Easy. We have help. (And if we don’t, we’re suffering.)

I’m a “working mum” of two — funny how my husband never gets called a “working dad” — and a champion delegator. I unashamedly DO NOT do it all.

Instead, we surround ourselves with nannies, cleaners, gardeners and handymen. Not to mention grandparents. We use every possible service to make life easier – from child care to grocery delivery, Airtasker and party caterers. We choose to do what we enjoy, what is important for the family and outsource everything else.

My job, though demanding, is flexible, and I enjoy regular international work assignments. (Opening the door to a clean hotel room after a long day working is sheer bliss.)

I’m under no illusions about how privileged I am. I recognise that boasting about the catering at my child’s birthday party will not win me friends. But nor do I pretend as though I whipped up the vol-au-vent myself. 

I know many women do fulfil all the roles mentioned above – carer, worker, cleaner, laundress – and that paying for help is not an option. Many of these women are suffering considerably. Official figures in the UK show women are 70 per cent more likely to suffer workplace stress, and researchers have warned of a generation of “do-it-all women” on the cusp of breakdown.  

Australian figures are equally dismal: research shows women work considerably more hours than men (at home and in paid work), easily outstrip men when it comes to chores, and are almost always responsible for sick children and elderly parents, even when both parents work full-time.

No doubt, for the mum who is forced to do it all, gender inequality is a major problem. (Workplace demands and economic realities contribute to the dilemma.)

All the more reason that we stop peddling the myth of the (happy, healthy) do-it-all mother. Making things look easy when they’re not, releases men from domestic responsibility (The wife’s doing well — no need for me here!); undermines stay-at-home mums, who work just as many hours as the rest of us (I do everything you do, and I’ve got a ‘proper’ job!); and excuses employers from flexibility (What do you mean you’re not coping – how hard can mixing work and family life be?)

I’m not perfect, but I am happy. Without help, I wouldn’t have survived these past eight years of motherhood. So why don’t other mothers in my position get help – or admit they have help?

It boils down, perhaps, to a bigger problem – women are here to be looked at, adored, admired and categorised. Image remains everything, and Instagram posts featuring perfect Paleo cupcakes makes us entirely complicit.

I love this quote from British author Caitlin Moran: ““When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing here for who I’m supposed to be today.”

The perfect modern mother is the result of focusing on who we are, not what we do – or want to – in our short time on earth. Stop worrying about who’s watching – get help, or be honest how tough it is.