How we F** Our Women

 

You got to admit that it’s been an “interesting” time for women. Ever since a certain US presidential candidate bragged about “Grabbing them by the p***sy,” the world headlines have been filled with stories of how men in power have been abusing women. The rich, powerful and famous like Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby and Kevin Spacy have all been felled by charges of sexually abusing people. This momentum against sexual harassment is known as “#MeToo” and only those living under a stone would not have heard of it by now.

It's good that these abuses are coming to light. Nobody should be subject to being harassed at the work place and people who abuse their position to get “sexual services” should be treated in the same manner as people who abuse their said position for money.

However, while the Harvey Weinstein cases of the world grab headlines, the real issue that is screwing up women lies closer to home and the Harvey Weinstein’s of this world are merely large symptoms of the problem rather than the problem itself. The real enemy that all women have are their mothers. Philip Larkin’s “They f** you up, your mum and dad, they don’t mean to but they do,” has never been more apt when it comes to what our parenting does to our girls.

There is an argument to say that this is cultural. There is a common argument in anthropology that states that societies are based on the exchange of women. For example, daughters are inevitably married off to build alliances. One of the hallmarks of “marriage” that most traditional of institutions is the establishment of the ownership of the children in the marriage to the man’s family. The man is “head the household.” Traditional family structures have it such that men go out to earn the household income and women stay at home to look after the house. If you look at household income, its usually the man who makes more. In this scenario, it was understood that a man could “relax” at home because he was the one who “supported” the family and in “traditional” families, education of boys was a priority because it was an investment in the chap bringing home the proverbial bacon whilst the girl was going to marry out anyway.

However, women have been playing a greater role in earning the family income. In Singapore, we’ve gone from a situation where a wife who stays at home is now luxury rather than the expectation within a generation. However, whilst the woman’s contribution to the household income has grown, the same is not necessarily true of the man’s contribution to the creation of a good home.

I take a former brother-in-law as an example He is the pride and joy of the family because he managed to get himself a good job with one of the statutory boards and throughout his career, he’s been sent on all sorts of courses. He is, what you’d call the ultimate Singapore success story.

However, this is a guy who can’t clean up after himself. You’re talking about a guy who will happily much on his MacDonald’s meal at home and leave the wrapping on the table for someone else to put into the dustbin, which happened to be located behind him. All he had to do was to twist his body and drop it there.  

My former brother-in-law’s inability to put his trash into the bin should be blamed on my former mother-in-law who did everything for him and the counter argument is – why I am bothered because he’s managed to get an “iron rice-bowl” with the government. My former mother-in-law, can argue that whilst she may have pampered him, she saw to it that he became a “good guy” who could bring home the bacon.

This a mild case. If you look at many of the societies that are stuck in poverty, you’ll notice that one of the key reasons why they’re stuck in poverty is because the “development aid” has been focused on men, when it is in fact the women using the income for productive things like food an education. I think of a non-related Vietnamese girl I know who stopped giving money to her brothers because they were spending it on booze. Then, she had to stop giving money to her mother because her mother was giving it to her brothers.

The question remains, why do parents (particularly mothers) focus on giving so much to the boys when the truth is that it’s the girls who are taking care of them. This has not been good for society at large as can be seen in the following article:

https://aquila-style.com/blue-eyed-boys-why-do-many-mothers-spoil-their-sons-even-into-adulthood/

 

 Gender bias is culturally ingrained in so many societies and the problem is not so much that men are intrinsically sexist against women but that women are not raising their sons to expect women to “serve” them and “daughters” to be servants. Other stake holders can step in. Corporations can do good by directing their brand communications to enforce this message. Take this ad by Ariel Detergent for the Indian market:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QDlv8kfwIM

 

Whilst having more women reach the top can serve as an inspiration for other women, its ground up initiatives like this ad that work towards clearing gender bias in the work place and beyond. When you have top-down solutions you risk creating “Drawing up the draw bridge syndrome” where the few women at the top end up making life more difficult for women on the way up in order to preserve the status as “the only girl at the table.” However, when you have ground-up solutions like this, you create a culture where men and women are willing to share the load in the house and work place. When men and women share the load, a lady becoming CEO is a “so-what,” because it becomes normal to people at large. Ending gender bias is not a sprint – it’s a marathon.