One of the most prominent things you end up doing as
you get older is you tend to develop a rather strange relationship with those
who came after you. As you grow, you often see life as being about you and the
generations above. Life up to a point is about being provided for by parents
and then taking control of your life from your parents.
Then, there comes a point when you become the “old”
generation and there are a group of grown-up kids looking to you as the “old”
generation. How you relate to them becomes your new challenge. For a
Singaporean guy, the act of getting older inevitably means grumbling about how
National Service isn’t quite as brutal as what it was in your day.
For me, the biggest aspect about getting older was
called parenthood, specifically parenthood to a girl. I was, as they say, the type
of guy who enjoyed any glimpse he could get of a woman’s anatomy and have all
sorts of fantasies. I took the position that it’s only natural for men to like
the sight of T&A.
Well, I made the choice of adopting a young girl who
has grown into a very good-looking young woman (let’s not forget that her
mother is an actual beauty queen). That experience has formed how I relate to
people significantly younger (defined by 20-years and more).
Don’t get me wrong, I still like looking at good
looking and well-shaped women. However, the moment I get the inkling that the girl
could be Kiddo’s age, I back off – it’s “ew – no, not going to get involved with
someone who could be my kid.” Never mind Kiddo, I still can’t get over the fact
that Christopher, my youngest brother, and I once had a conversation about
pregnancy scares and abortions. Although he was well past 30 when we had that
conversation, it felt weird because I remember him as a tiny fellow and our
conversations centred around whether small things were cuter than big things.
So, as I soon to be divorced man pushing the half
century mark, I find that while I would like to have someone in my life, it’s not
going to be someone close to Kiddo’s age because …..well it would like Kiddo
and that would feel like pedophilia.
As for my relationship with young men, I have my former
intern to thank for it. In the initial stages, he actually asked me “Can I marry
your daughter, then I can really call you Dad?” That remark made me realise
that I actually relate to a lot of younger guys as potential “sons-in-law.” It’s
a case of – would I want you near my daughter?
In fairness to Kiddo, the two times, I’ve been
introduced to a potential son-in-law, I’ve actually liked the guy. Both my
potential sons-in-law were decent and well mannered. The first candidate
actually bowed before me and presented a cake. The second took my around Hai-Phong
and was the perfect host.
I am not the stereotypical Asian parent who expects
the kid’s significant other to be a multimillionaire. I’m simple, I’m happy as
long as the guy has a job. What he works as not important as long as he’s got
the determination to work. Let’s be realistic, not everyone can be a lawyer or
a doctor but everyone can make an honest living. First candidate worked as a
bar manager and the second worked in the port at Hai Phong. Both were hard
working guys who also gave attention to her.
The second criteria of a potential son-in-law is his
relationship with his family. Does he treat his parents with respect. Is he
willing to care for his parents? It’s this simple, if he treats his own parents
with respect, he’ll treat me with a certain amount of respect. First candidate
was a child of a single mother (dad died in his youth) and took care of her.
Second candidate was also respectful to his parents. Both guys respected me and
displayed impeccable manners when around me. No, I will not tolerate a Mummy’s
boy as a son-in-law no matter rich the family. I expect my son-in-law, whoever
he may be, to have an independent mind and not have an entitlement mentality.
He has to be respected for who he is rather than his family, wealth, material possessions
and so on.
My third criteria for a son-in-law must be he looks
like he can handle himself in a fight. I was told that I had a bit of a thug’s
mindset but I do have a rationale to it. Firstly, I do expect anyone who is serious
about my kid to be willing to protect her physically, as I would.
More importantly, I’ve realized that the people who
can handle themselves in a fight are the ones who have been in fights before.
As such, they know that everyone gets hurt in a fight and as such, they’re less
likely to get in situations that are nasty. Knowing how to handle people in difficult
situations is an often-underappreciated skill.
The problem in Singapore is that the system tends to
encourage coach potatoes to pretend to be tough. Hence, you get hair-brained bureaucrats
who only experienced combat by masturbating over graphs on a computer in a
cubicle challenging people to fights, knowing that they’ll be protected by our
strong anti-violence laws. These are the people who find a problem for every
solution and make life unnecessarily difficult.
Hence, I expect any potential son-in-law to be a real
human being rather than a bureaucrat in cubicle who thinks he’s got an
invincibility complex. You can only snap the necks of such people for sport.
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