I’m turning 50 in November. It’s an interesting mile stone in as much as I will officially be “middle-aged,” though if you take the average rate of mortality as 80, then I will officially past the half way point.
So, like or not, I’ve officially aged and I’ve screwed
it up big time. I am officially a financially unsecure single dad (officially
at the end of March), with no much to show for it. I’m officially out of the
radar of corporate and government employers and should my current employer dispose
of me, I can look forward to a career cleaning up at McDonald’s or go on the
path of entrepreneurship crushing tin cans and selling tissue paper in hawker
centres or the MRT.
All of this should be terrifying. The only thing that
should occupy my mind is how I’d survive if the current hamster wheel I’m on
comes spinning apart. However, where I should find terror, I’m actually finding
turning 50 with not much to show to be a liberating experience.
Let’s start with the obvious. I am a failure in the
traditional sense. I don’t have a corporate career, despite early dreams of
being an AVP at Citibank by my 30th birthday and much to the
annoyance of my family, I chucked in the security of a steady teaching career
(There’s nothing more painful than sitting in committee meetings watching
people jerk off over their self-importance). I have, in the words of New
Zealand’s youngest MP, Ms. Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, “Never fit in”
So, as I get older, I want to stay with people I genuinely
like rather than with people I’m looking to get something from. I try like
everyone I meet but then again, I’ve come to understand that there are many
types of “like.” There are likeable people you can work with. There are
likeable people that you should keep liking from a distance. Aging helps me have
a better idea who I can and cannot work with.
Then, as Ms. Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, states, I try
to take things personally. Yes, you’re supposed to learn to take things less
personally as you get older. It’s a case of you realise that nobody gives a
flying f***k about you and so you no longer feel the need to try to impress.
However, I like to think that there are things in this world that I want to get
personal about. I want to care even no one else wants me to. It’s a case of you
know you’re still alive when you have things that you can care about and want
to do something with. I envy the way someone like Ms. Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke can
break out into an intense Hakka on her maiden speech because defending her
Maori heritage is something that is important to her:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf2qCAyBVhc
https://www.tiktok.com/@tang.li0/video/7322508801901366546?lang=en
https://www.tiktok.com/@tang.li0/video/7329668788494814472?lang=en
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