In-Laws and Out-Laws

 

I’m a twice divorced man and I’m probably one of the few people who made his family happier at the point of divorce than at the point of marriage on both occasions. For the amateur psychologist amongst those reading this, you could say that my parents are guilty for my inability to stay married as both them are now on their third marriages. Both parents, have on occasion let slip that they have a sense of guilt for my f***ups in life in as both assume that I’m somehow psychologically damaged from the split.

The truth is somewhat different. Yes, I am a little damaged but not in the way people would imagine a child of divorced parents would be. For the most part, I’m actually very blessed that my parents had multiple marriages. Both my sister and I are very proud of our “patchwork” family. The multiple stepsiblings, step nephews and step nieces have given me a wonderfully large family of loving and diverse people. Sure, I’ve only really lived in the UK and Singapore, but extended family have made the USA and Germany home too. The highlight of my sister’s wedding last year, was the fact that the patchwork showed up.

In a way, the central character is my Mum who saw to it that she remained on good terms with her former in laws on both occasions. Two days ago, she dropped into town and made it a point of seeing my eldest paternal aunt. However, credit also goes to the grandmothers on both sides (both grandfathers passed on early). I remember my maternal grandmother telling ex-wife with a certain amount of pride that “Tang Li’s grandma is a nice lady. Just because our children are not together anymore, it doesn’t mean we have to stop being friends.” Old age meant that the two old ladies saw less of each other towards the end but when my maternal grandma died, my paternal eldest aunt came down to pay respects.

 

 The example of my parents was that marriage was not the end but the creation of something new. Whatever issues my parents may have had with their former spouses, they kept away from me and it reached a stage where we had the weirdest and most wonderful family gatherings. Stepdad number one has spent Christmas in Germany with Mum and Stepdad number two. Mum and Stepdad number two have spent Christmas in Singapore with Dad and Stepmum number one.

Where my parents’ divorce did damage was it conditioned me to understand that endings were not endings but the start of something else. This was what I grew up with. Marriage is not the be all and end all and divorce was never the end of the world.

Then I got married. I’ve made no secret of the fact that the marriage was not the happiest moment of my life. If you minus the sex, there was nothing really keeping us together. The Old Rogue used to say “She wants a fire place and you want to be out there.”

OK, part of the reason was legal. Under Singapore law, you need to be married for three years before divorce proceedings can be initiated (roughly how long you need to be in an HDB flat before you sell it). The other part was the fact that her family treated me very well. Father-in-law gave me one of my most generous Ang-Pao’s ever and mother-in-law always saw to it that I ate well whenever I was over there.

The in-laws were great and I didn’t want to lose them as family. However, when it became clear that I would need to take an extraordinary legal measure, they proceeded to cut all ties and suddenly I was not only no longer part of the family, I simply ceased to exist in their eyes.

In hindsight, it was a good thing. Both of us have soon moved on and my experiences of being with her actually made the front page of the Today Newspaper (though I wrote under the pseudonym) to protect the identity of my in-laws.

It was at that point that I understood that whilst relationships can evolve (friends to lovers or lovers to friends etc), there are certain relationships that need to vanish from your life. If both parties are to move forward. My first marriage was a clear example of this. We were simply bad news for each other.

Sure, things may have been different if we had something to hold us together like a kid. However, while we may have lasted longer, I’m not sure we could have been “healthy” for any kids to be raised by us. The total ending of the relationship was the only way either of us could have moved on.

I credit my parents for being the living example of showing me how relationships could evolve and how all parties could grow stronger. However, I also need to credit my first wife for showing me that there are some relationships that simply need to vanish.