How Do You Age Well?

 I’m turning 50 in November. It’s an interesting mile stone in as much as I will officially be “middle-aged,” though if you take the average rate of mortality as 80, then I will officially past the half way point.

So, like or not, I’ve officially aged and I’ve screwed it up big time. I am officially a financially unsecure single dad (officially at the end of March), with no much to show for it. I’m officially out of the radar of corporate and government employers and should my current employer dispose of me, I can look forward to a career cleaning up at McDonald’s or go on the path of entrepreneurship crushing tin cans and selling tissue paper in hawker centres or the MRT.

All of this should be terrifying. The only thing that should occupy my mind is how I’d survive if the current hamster wheel I’m on comes spinning apart. However, where I should find terror, I’m actually finding turning 50 with not much to show to be a liberating experience.

Let’s start with the obvious. I am a failure in the traditional sense. I don’t have a corporate career, despite early dreams of being an AVP at Citibank by my 30^th birthday and much to the annoyance of my family, I chucked in the security of a steady teaching career (There’s nothing more painful than sitting in committee meetings watching people jerk off over their self-importance). I have, in the words of New Zealand’s youngest MP, Ms. Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, “Never fit in”

 

 Not fitting in is a challenge in a society that prizes conformity. Gina, my first wife, used to complain whenever I did things because, in her words, I needed to understand that I was in Singapore and not in an “Ang Moh” country. Now, that I look back at things, I’m actually happy I never “fit in” and became part of anyone’s clique. I do attend industry functions and enjoy them for what they are. I’ve enjoyed industry functions both in PR/Marketing and law and accountancy for they are. I do meet people. However, I want to avoid cliques, which are essentially gatherings of little bitches gathering to jerk off.

So, as I get older, I want to stay with people I genuinely like rather than with people I’m looking to get something from. I try like everyone I meet but then again, I’ve come to understand that there are many types of “like.” There are likeable people you can work with. There are likeable people that you should keep liking from a distance. Aging helps me have a better idea who I can and cannot work with.

Then, as Ms. Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, states, I try to take things personally. Yes, you’re supposed to learn to take things less personally as you get older. It’s a case of you realise that nobody gives a flying f***k about you and so you no longer feel the need to try to impress. However, I like to think that there are things in this world that I want to get personal about. I want to care even no one else wants me to. It’s a case of you know you’re still alive when you have things that you can care about and want to do something with. I envy the way someone like Ms. Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke can break out into an intense Hakka on her maiden speech because defending her Maori heritage is something that is important to her:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf2qCAyBVhc   

 

 Then, I look at things that I’m not supposed to do. My favorite discovery was sprinting. I’m past the age of thinking about the Olympics but intense exercise is something a quite enjoy. Started sprinting because I wanted to get the neurotic angel out of my system but then found that I felt alive feeling my heart rate go insane. I get encouraged to continue with sprints when people use the phrase “Old already” or “at our age.”

https://www.tiktok.com/@tang.li0/video/7322508801901366546?lang=en

 

 I’ve also decided that I want to try and build up the body I neglected in my youth. You might call it old age vanity but I realise that the one thing that will kill me off is getting sick and the only way to keep out of the hospital is to exercise regularly an intensely enough. So, the indulgence thus far has been to discover gym time. It’s challenging to lift heavy when you’re an obsess, bald, weak middle age man but then again isn’t that the point. The weaker and more screwed up you are, the more you have to challenge yourself.

https://www.tiktok.com/@tang.li0/video/7329668788494814472?lang=en

 

 Not sure if I am aging as I should. I mean, sometimes I wish I could go back and correct a few mistakes like letting myself get obese in the first place. Could have had a better life without so much booze. Aging is tough but then again, the alternative is always worse and whilst you can’t stop aging, you can do it on your own terms.

I am NOT a supporter of Hamas

 Hamas should be Supporting Me Instead

American Presidents have a way with coming up with soundbites. One of the most memorable belonged to George W Bush who declared that “you are either with us or against us,” in the wake of the September 9, 2001 attacks in the USA.

Whilst this phrase was meant to rally the world against global terrorist movements, the reality was that it ended up summing up what many people in less developed countries have felt about what the Western world really thinks about the world – namely the fact that it can tell the rest of the world “Do as we tell you or else.”

This is particularly true whenever military conflicts occur between Israel and one of its neighbours. Rationality and objectivity get thrown out of the window and the conflict inevitably becomes framed as an “us versus them” issue.

This most recent Israeli bombardment of the Gaza trip is no exception. I’ve taken the view that whilst the October 7 attacks on Israel were horrific, the reprisals have been murderous. This point was made very clearly in IT’S NOT GENOCIDE AS LONG AS WE’RE DOING IT?, and GOD’S TRIAL. Here’s the response I got:

 

 The person who made these comments is quite funny. I like the fact that he or she decided to remain anonymous rather than put his or her name down online.

Then, I like the fact that I’ve been dubbed a supporter of Hamas, even though I never said that Hamas were good guys and I did make the point that the attacks on October 7, 2003 went beyond what most people would call “resistance”

What makes it particularly amusing is the fact that I’ve been told that I continue writing, I would actually achieve the destruction of the State of Israel. I believe that the writer of this comment believes that I am an exceedingly powerful person.

Let’s put it this way. I am an ugly obese middle-aged about to be divorced man sitting in a hovel of an office in a small island in the South China Sea. The State of Israel by contrast is a rich technologically advanced society with one of the most powerful militaries in the world, equipped with some o f the best military and surveillance and has the total support of the richest and most powerful countries in the world.

Yet, despite this obvious contrast of power and relevance, the commentator believes that it is the State of Israel who should fear me. Thanks to writer, I am now aware of my power and instead of calling me a supporter of Hamas, they should persuade Hamas to support me – that way I’ll be able to afford my next cup of coffee.  

It’s Not Genocide as Long as We’re Doing It?

 

One of the most noticeable things about South Africa’s case against Israel in the International Court of Justice (ICJ) is the fact that it has highlighted the divisions in global politics. If you were to look at who is supporting the South African case, you’ll notice that they are primarily what the Once and Future President of the USA called “S***hole” countries. The countries supporting Israel are inevitably the developed ones lead by the world’s hyperpower – the USA.

Every time you look at the news, you’ll have a Western leader talking about how the case against Israel is “meritless” or as the German’s recently promised, they would “intervene” on behalf of Israel. British Foreign secretary, David Cameroon even went as far as to call the entire case “Nonsense,” despite having no legal training to comment on the merits of the case:

https://news.sky.com/story/nonsense-for-south-africa-to-accuse-israel-of-genocide-says-foreign-secretary-13048098

 

 Now, I do get where a lot of nations are coming from. Israel was attacked on October 7 and the desire to hit back is understandable. Let’s never forget that part of the thing that got the Western World so involved in the creation of the State of Israel was in part due to the guilt of committing genocide against Jewish people. Having spent a part of my formative years in Germany, I can confidently say that the one thing that will NEVER happen is a German Chancellor talking about “Fine People” whenever Nazis involved. The world will never allow the Germans to forget that part of their history and the Germans have been diligently trying to redeem themselves ever since 1945.

However, as one Chinese diplomat points out – yes, the attack against Israel was morally repugnant and condemned but that doesn’t mean that the subsequent reprisals are justified either.

 

 

Then, there is the inevitable comparison between the two legal teams. The internet is filled with videos providing critiques of how both sides performed and it becomes clear that were this case left to pure merit, it would be a case of the Springboks steamrolling the Israeli rugby team. South African lawyers were calm, composed and on point. They anticipated every counter argument and answered it. The Israeli team by contrast were in a shambles. One of the best memes on TikTok involved Israel’s lead lawyer, Malcom Shaw talking about how someone had “shuffled his papers.”

So, one has to ask, why Western leaders have been so keen to defend Israel despite the evidence? The Western World, which has a beacon global civilization in the last two centuries finds itself on trial.

On one hand, everyone is quick to condemn Valdimir Putin for invading Ukraine. Everyone agrees that invading another country and killing innocent people is morally and legally wrong. Everyone is quick to warn China about invading Taiwan. I am Mahayana Buddhist and I’m from a family that supports an independent Tibet and decries the atrocities in Tibet.

However, while the most powerful nations are rightfully busy defending these oppressions, why do they turn a blind eye and even encourage it when it comes to Israel? The self-defense argument is so ridiculous that a comedian I know made the point in live roast that he could “Get a wife from Gaza and live the Indian stereotype of beating the shit out of her on a daily basis and he’d be defending himself.”

The Western World’s leaders need to change this. Blindly covering and trying impose a narrative that no one else believes in erodes the moral authority of the Western World (which for the record, I do believe remains a benevolent force). It’s not even good for Israel. Prior to these reprisals, Israel was making friends and allies amongst the Arab nations. Now, no Arab Ruller can be seen to be vaguely friendly to Israel. Take a recent conversation between UAE President, Mohammad bin Zayed, which made peace with Israel only four years ago and Israel Prime Minister, Binyamin Netanyahu, which involved the UAE President telling him to get stuffed:

 https://www.wionews.com/world/ask-zelensky-uae-president-gives-vexed-response-to-netanyahu-asking-for-aid-money-678506

God’s Trial

 

Something Godly is actually happening in the world of international geopolitics. Around two days ago, South Africa brought a case of Genocide against the Israeli bombardment of the Gaza Strip.

This is a historic first. Israel has traditionally been regarded as one of the good guys of international diplomacy in the Western World. Criticism of any of Israel’s actions particularly in the Western World, inevitably get shut down as “antisemitic” and in the case of Europe or more specifically Germany, Israeli politicians have a field day of talking about what happened in the 1940s. Try to suggests that Israel is less than perfect in the United Nations, (UN) and the world’s most powerful nation will inevitably shut it down with their veto.

My personal position is and always has been this – yes, the attacks on Israel on October 7, 2023 went beyond resistance but the subsequent reprisals against the Palestinians have gone beyond self-defense. Sure, if you want to wipe out Hamas, put your famed intelligence service and army of spies and assassins to good use. Show the people of Gaza that its worth working in peace with Israel and they’re not going let the destructive arm of Hamas rule them. Bombing the Gaza strip on a daily basis and turning off all essential supplies is only going to make Hamas stronger and more radical.

The argument that Hamas have killed 1,000 Israelis does not justify Israel killing in the tens of thousands. People who use this argument are inevitably saying that the life of someone of European decent is worth significantly more than someone of Semitic decent.

In the 1990s, these common facts were appreciated and recognized by leaders like Yitzhak Rabin, who actually served his national service. However, when Mr. Rabin was assassinated by an illegal settler, Israel under the insane arm of the Likud has been on a mission to take as a much land by force, thus trashing any hope of a secure and stable Middle East. As the Israeli journalist Gideon Levy points out – this current bombing campaign has no strategic point and the same could be said of every other campaign that Israel has waged against Palestinian people:

https://www.pbs.org/video/haaretz-columnist-gideon-levy-on-israels-conduct-in-gaza-fgu/

 

 That’s my personal view, which I believe is pretty much based on the evidence that I get from news reports. However, it’s never been the acceptable view in Western societies (which includes Singapore) where I’ve spent most of my life. If you talk to enough of “My” people (graduate middle class – lighter skinned people), you’ll be unable to avoid getting the sense of relief that the Israelis are putting dark skinned people in their place. I’ve actually heard people complain that the Palestinians brought it on themselves by not trying to help the Israelis overthrow Hamas – erm, why should they side with a power that has made it clear that it sees them as disposable darkies. I’ve actually been told by local Singaporeans that they are proud of being a colony of the UK and my tax director actually tried to tell me that people missed colonial rule (my reply was that the only thing better than a colonial master six foot under was the act of putting him there and I had to be reminded that the steak knife was for steak).

South Africa’s case changes that. Sure, whatever the ruling, its probably going to be ignored. Israel and the USA do not recognize that jurisdiction of the International Court of Justice (ICJ). However, the fact that this case was brought before the Court, is a sign that many of the smaller nations of the world, are not going to accept a narrative on a situation dictated to them by global Western Powers.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Africa_v._Israel_(Genocide_Convention)

 

Sure, the majority of nations supporting South Africa are Muslim-Majority. However, there are prominent non-Muslim majority states like Brazil, Colombia and Nicaragua that are supporting the South African case. What’s even more interesting is that smaller European nations like Ireland and Belgium seem to support this motion. Think of the arguments made by this Irish Lawyer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS6IYp0BErg

 

 It’s encouraging to see the proverbial “third world” wanting to make its voice heard. Sure, the economic and by extension military power in the world remains in the West. If migration patterns are anything to go by most of us would rather live in a Western country than in a third world one – the joke being will only be a world power when the American Born Chinese tell you that they’re Chinese with American passports rather than Americans of Chinese descent.

However, as the so-called “developing” world develops, its no longer going to accept the dictation of the “advanced” world. The opportunities of the future are inevitably going to be in “developing” places and one will need to respect their point of view rather than impose yours onto them. The argument that a fair skinned life is worth more than a dark and semitic one was never acceptable and its good that the world is making that point.

So, You Want to Date My Daughter?

 

One of the most prominent things you end up doing as you get older is you tend to develop a rather strange relationship with those who came after you. As you grow, you often see life as being about you and the generations above. Life up to a point is about being provided for by parents and then taking control of your life from your parents.

Then, there comes a point when you become the “old” generation and there are a group of grown-up kids looking to you as the “old” generation. How you relate to them becomes your new challenge. For a Singaporean guy, the act of getting older inevitably means grumbling about how National Service isn’t quite as brutal as what it was in your day.

For me, the biggest aspect about getting older was called parenthood, specifically parenthood to a girl. I was, as they say, the type of guy who enjoyed any glimpse he could get of a woman’s anatomy and have all sorts of fantasies. I took the position that it’s only natural for men to like the sight of T&A.

Well, I made the choice of adopting a young girl who has grown into a very good-looking young woman (let’s not forget that her mother is an actual beauty queen). That experience has formed how I relate to people significantly younger (defined by 20-years and more).

Don’t get me wrong, I still like looking at good looking and well-shaped women. However, the moment I get the inkling that the girl could be Kiddo’s age, I back off – it’s “ew – no, not going to get involved with someone who could be my kid.” Never mind Kiddo, I still can’t get over the fact that Christopher, my youngest brother, and I once had a conversation about pregnancy scares and abortions. Although he was well past 30 when we had that conversation, it felt weird because I remember him as a tiny fellow and our conversations centred around whether small things were cuter than big things.

So, as I soon to be divorced man pushing the half century mark, I find that while I would like to have someone in my life, it’s not going to be someone close to Kiddo’s age because …..well it would like Kiddo and that would feel like pedophilia.

As for my relationship with young men, I have my former intern to thank for it. In the initial stages, he actually asked me “Can I marry your daughter, then I can really call you Dad?” That remark made me realise that I actually relate to a lot of younger guys as potential “sons-in-law.” It’s a case of – would I want you near my daughter?

In fairness to Kiddo, the two times, I’ve been introduced to a potential son-in-law, I’ve actually liked the guy. Both my potential sons-in-law were decent and well mannered. The first candidate actually bowed before me and presented a cake. The second took my around Hai-Phong and was the perfect host.

I am not the stereotypical Asian parent who expects the kid’s significant other to be a multimillionaire. I’m simple, I’m happy as long as the guy has a job. What he works as not important as long as he’s got the determination to work. Let’s be realistic, not everyone can be a lawyer or a doctor but everyone can make an honest living. First candidate worked as a bar manager and the second worked in the port at Hai Phong. Both were hard working guys who also gave attention to her.

The second criteria of a potential son-in-law is his relationship with his family. Does he treat his parents with respect. Is he willing to care for his parents? It’s this simple, if he treats his own parents with respect, he’ll treat me with a certain amount of respect. First candidate was a child of a single mother (dad died in his youth) and took care of her. Second candidate was also respectful to his parents. Both guys respected me and displayed impeccable manners when around me. No, I will not tolerate a Mummy’s boy as a son-in-law no matter rich the family. I expect my son-in-law, whoever he may be, to have an independent mind and not have an entitlement mentality. He has to be respected for who he is rather than his family, wealth, material possessions and so on.

My third criteria for a son-in-law must be he looks like he can handle himself in a fight. I was told that I had a bit of a thug’s mindset but I do have a rationale to it. Firstly, I do expect anyone who is serious about my kid to be willing to protect her physically, as I would.

More importantly, I’ve realized that the people who can handle themselves in a fight are the ones who have been in fights before. As such, they know that everyone gets hurt in a fight and as such, they’re less likely to get in situations that are nasty. Knowing how to handle people in difficult situations is an often-underappreciated skill.

The problem in Singapore is that the system tends to encourage coach potatoes to pretend to be tough. Hence, you get hair-brained bureaucrats who only experienced combat by masturbating over graphs on a computer in a cubicle challenging people to fights, knowing that they’ll be protected by our strong anti-violence laws. These are the people who find a problem for every solution and make life unnecessarily difficult.

Hence, I expect any potential son-in-law to be a real human being rather than a bureaucrat in cubicle who thinks he’s got an invincibility complex. You can only snap the necks of such people for sport.

https://www.dynastyclothingstore.com/blogs/editorial/why-do-men-who-have-no-fighting-experience-keep-proclaiming-they-can

 

 We don’t need more automatons being related to us. We need to ensure that the people who get related to are actually humans with values.

Creating Memories

 

Since I worked at the Bistrot on New Year’s Eve, I’m reminded of the fact that one of the things that people find curious about me is the fact that I continued to wait tables even when I was officially employed in a respectable job. I only really stopped working in restaurants when Covid hit and the restaurant business got shut down.

There are several answers that I give. The first one is simple – I’m not going to turn down extra money. They few dollars an hour I earn waiting tables happens to be a few dollars an hour I would not have had otherwise. Then, there are the perks. Instead of spending money on food and drink, I work and get fed and if I am lucky, I get a beer on the side.

Then, I also make the point that I can’t be too proud about being a director of this and that but being “embarrassed” to do certain work. The reality is that the fancy title that I currently enjoy can easily go tomorrow and if there’s anything a decade in the insolvency business has shown me, it’s the fact that its not that difficult to be kicked out of your livelihood. So, its always good to be willing to take on manual work should you ever need to do it.

I’ve also tried my best to cross-pollinate my activities. I’ve met certain lawyers in the Bistrot and worked with them in my corporate job and I’ve also made a point of entertaining people from my corporate existence at the Bistrot. Given that I’ve spent my earliest years hustling and am likely to spend the rest of my life hustling, I need to be in constant circulation.

These are my personal reasons for working in a restaurant, even at the age when one expects me not to. However, there is something greater for me. Working in a restaurant taught me the importance of “creating memories.” I think of the day where one table was a man proposing to his lady and on another table, you had a girl celebrating her hen night. Now, I appreciate the fact that we were only going to know the tables we served for the duration of the service. However, it dawned upon me that even in that brief moment when we were dealing with the two tables, we were playing a role in creating special memories for people.

Memories are what you’d call an important part of what makes us who we are. For me, that message was brought home during my last trip. Ended up in Covent Garden and it became important for me to have a cider in the Punch & Judy.

The reason was this simple. I was brought to this pub 31 years ago, when I was 18. The girl who brought me there was the first girl I was in-love with. Relationship never got off the ground but that particular pub signified something important in my life. Would often drink there when I was studying in London. I developed more memories of the place from every subsequent visit but the memory of the place as being where I first fell in love with someone.

It made a good story for the pub when I last visited – a 31-year absence from the place where I fist fell in love. Helped that my junior colleague and I ended up sitting with a couple who had just gotten together and wanted to travel (he was a PwCpartner in London who just left to set up his own thing, she was a creative director at Diageo).

https://www.tiktok.com/@tang.li0/video/7308456155808845063?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7274292816955999746

 

 

I think my relationship with the Punch & Judy and I become conscious of the role I have in creating memories. It affects the way I do things. A lot of times, I do get walked over for being too nice and I am getting a little sharper as I get older. However, I am always conscious of role I have in creating memories for other people. I always ask myself; how do I want the people who come into my life to remember me and I act accordingly.

At the end of the day, what you make or don’t make in terms of monetary gain will be history. The only thing that remains are the memories.

Can You?

 Sometime back in June of 2023, my mother mentioned that she wanted to meet with her sister and cousin during my sister’s wedding in the UK. Mum, “It’s probably the last time we’ll get together as cousins.”

I told my mother to stop being pessimistic. However, I realised that my mother’s cousin had just finished a book on our family history, which described by grandmother and siblings as “the children” and it dawned upon that my mother, like the rest of the “Boomers” is now in her 70s. We are, like it or not, aging even if we don’t like to think about it. I mean, I’m turning 50 this year and I am a dad of 24-year-old. I have people my age telling me “Oh don’t worry, your turn to be a grandparent will come soon,” and I think “WTF, grandparenthood – I still can’t get used to the fact that I took on parenthood.”

Although it shouldn’t be, my 50^th which will b in November is going to be a strange milestone. In many ways, I’m still as unsettled as I was in my 30s but although that fact should be scary, I’m actually feeling excited and you might say its down to the new year, but I am more energised by the fact that a certain part of my life has crumbled. Why would I feel that way about getting old?

Getting old isn’t easy. The body for one, has a way of giving out signs that it’s not going to take certain things that it used to do. Then, there’s are certain fashions that are simply not going to work.

However, the alternative to aging is inevitably worse. I think of the fact that I am freaking about turning 50 but then again, I could be like my army buddy, Ronnie, who was killed in that fatal accident – he is forever 21. So, I’ve had the privilege of living past 30 and I need to figure getting older.

So, how does one deal with getting older? Well, I guess you realise that getting older and dying are two different things. I look at some of the idols of my youth and look how they’ve turned out. Take former Heavyweight champion of the World – Mike Tyson. Back in the 80s and 90s, he was a terror in the ring. Lasting more than a round with him was considered an achievement. It’s been nearly two decades since he ruled the ring but he’s managed to stay in good shape and at the age of 57, he remains the type of guy that most people won’t want to mess with:

https://www.marca.com/en/boxing/2023/10/24/6537fd89268e3e2c7f8b4582.html

 

 Then, if you look at the ladies, there’s Cindy Crawford, who epitomised the age of “Super Models.” Ms. Crawford is 57 and is the mother of two kids. While she’s not as “fresh” as she used to be, she remains stunning:

https://www.prevention.com/fitness/a46187993/cindy-crawford-toned-legs-skating-rink-throwback-instagram-photos/

 

 So, how do Mr. Tyson and Ms. Crawford maintain their shape. Well, you could say that they understand that they are past a certain age but they’ve looked after their bodies. Like it or not, getting older means that the body does have wear and tear. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t be in shape.

In my 20’s the only time I looked after my body was during national service and the only time I had to look after it in my 30s was whenever I got called up for reservist and remedial training. Everything else in between was given into drinking and buffets. Then, when I went to work, I ended up with screwed up sleep patterns. Going without sleep was considered a sign of “cool.”

Then, when I hit my forties, health complications came about. Regular gout attacks were the most painful. However, that wasn’t the only thing. My blood sugars and bad cholesterol levels are high. So, after two decades where my main exercise consisted of lifting a beer glass, I’ve suddenly found myself doing things like regular squats and push ups. Developing muscle is not about impressing people but ensuing I don’t end up in hospital for all sorts of ailments.

I’m obviously not going to become a professional athlete in my late forties and early fifties but I can be healthy and fit. Just because I’ve reached a certain age, it doesn’t mean that I still can’t move about (if anything, staying fit becomes more important as you age and need to continue working).

You could say that there’s a trade-off, in as much as your mind should become stronger and you get to focus more. Focus allows you to get through difficult task.

Aging isn’t a walk in the park but we all have to go through it. As such, you have to accept that you are becoming older but instead of being 50 but hopping everyone thinks you’re 20, you become the best type of 50-year-old around. Staying fit and looking after your body will make ageing easier.